Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
