nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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