Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
