I wannas sexs uuuuu
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
