Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
