Swine flu. Run for my life!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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