when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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