I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
