my phone needs a breathalizer
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
