i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
