Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
