I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
All the doctor said was why
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
