if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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