If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
