you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
