At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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