I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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