we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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