So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
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St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
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Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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