We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
