My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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