shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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