If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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