I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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