She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
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we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
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You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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