just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
