Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
