i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
