I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
