I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
