Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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