bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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