We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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