He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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