So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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