She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
