my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
