I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
