Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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