Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
