Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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