I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
