break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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