My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
