I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
