i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
