had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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