low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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