My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
