he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
