I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
