My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize