my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
