I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I want a musical about memes.
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