I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
