I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
