At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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