Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
