This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
