i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
All the doctor said was why
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
